Wednesday, 26th August, Meltdowns and anxiety attacks

7:35pm. Autistic children become autistic adults and as autistic children have meltdowns so do autistic adults and quite often autistic adults have to manage meltdowns on their own whilst pretending everything is ok when it isn’t. Today has been one of those such days for me.

I had a terrible nights sleep waking around 2am and unable to get back to sleep or feel as if I was sleeping. My mind was already swirling round with thoughts and I was finding it difficult to cope. I got up around 5:15am, had breakfast and drove to Stanbury to walk up to Alcomden Stones. The weather was still wild at this time, grey skies and the wind blowing across the moors. It made it feel bleak but romantic at the same time out alone on the moors save for one lone runner doing his daily run. The walk to the stones was uneventful but pleasant all the same, shorter and easier than my usual route because I had parked closer and I was on the main trail from Stanbury which was loose rock and Yorkshire stone slabs. I made good progress and I got to the stones in good time. The stones seemed menacing and brooding to me, everything bathed in early morning darkness, Boulsworth Hill on the horizon a big black lump looking over everything below it ready to destroy anything it saw. I took some photos one similar to Claire’s painting and another of the sun trying to come out above the stone Claire had painted.

My time at the stones over for today I drove home happy with my walk and my photos and hoping that my head was sorted for the day. Unfortunately I was wrong. I got home and went down to Tesco’s to get some bananas and other bits. I could feel my mind becoming a tsunami of thoughts, getting bigger and bigger and ready to explode at any time. I bought some cigarettes as they help calm me in such times and went home.

At home I went into full meltdown the anxiety causing my body to shake, my mind unable to cope everything became a 100mph blur and my thoughts, worries and hopes coming to the surface in one cataclysmic storm. I had some cigarettes and some wine as I played a game on the laptop. It was impossible for me to do anything else, I could not concentrate on anything. I got a text saying my medication was ready so I walked down to the chemist to get it. On the way home I bought some fish and chips and immediately felt sick, I thought they were going to come straight back up but fortunately they didn’t.

I got home and went to bed for a nap waking to a message from my old neighbour asking for help with their internet. I popped up but there was nothing I could do as it looked like a local outage. Home and feeling calmer and more relaxed I’m hoping for a good nights sleep and a good run over the moors tomorrow with Anne and her dog Luna. What caused the meltdown? Usually it’s a build up of all sorts of issues over time, my PhD, living alone, social media, writing, anything and everything silently builds up deep down inside until the pressure is too much and it’s released in one almighty explosion of anxiety and stress that sends you to hell and back before everything calms down again until the next time.

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