7:59am. I wake to the sound of rubber squashing drops of water into cold tarmac. The storm has arrived as predicted. The only people driving are those that need to. No-one wants to go out today unless they have to. The rain falls from above washing away what has had its time and bringing life to the things that replace them. The pattern of life in a billion tiny rain drops, each one capable of bring life or death depending where they fall.
Yesterday is now a memory, a lovely run over the beautiful moors where the Brontes walked in their tiny shoes, in dresses that would fit a child, seemingly impossible to comprehend in todays modern world that three sisters so small and fragile would be capable of walking the moors above them at times so bleak and savage, others heaven on earth, a place where you can go on your own and escape from everyone and everything the only blot knowing you have to come back to what you have escaped from.
The mini drama of yesterday and the run that now isn’t over and done with. Life is too short to dwell on things that stop you getting on with what is important, what really matters, things that everyone will get over and emerge as stronger friends or realise that what they thought was friendship wasn’t after all. These things happen, it’s life. What really matters is how we get over them, remember who was there to help and give advice and move on to the next mini drama because there will be one of that there is no doubt.
Today for me is about catching my breath and seeing where I am in this world, what I have to do to so I can get where I’m going wherever that may be. I’m still trying to find my place in the world, a world that seems crazier by the day, people committing unimaginable acts of violence and destructiveness, hurting people and animals, destroying the planet for their own greed and self importance. Others are helping the very same people trying to help them build a better life and a better planet for everyone to enjoy being told that being kind to others is not the way forward, thinking about yourself and individualism is.
I’m hoping for a break in the weather so I can get out for a walk. It’s grim today though so I’m not holding out any hope but we’ll see. My little cat Lulu is outside in the rain. It’s her choice she can come in. Cats can be mad sometimes! I am feeling creative today. Yesterday was a good day for me and it’s brought the creativity to the surface so I’m going to make the most of it.
9:21am. Anne still wants to run on Thursday. I’m really pleased she does. Anne was the one I was worried about because she is going through a really hard time as her husband is dying of cancer and I didn’t want to have her thinking that this was another kick in the teeth for her on top of everything else. She’s never run round Heptonstall before so I have a nice, steady run planned that will take in some of the more popular trails and give Anne a chance to see what the area has to offer.
9:55am. I’m still smiling at the painting Claire has given me. It’s the first present I’ve had in 3 years since my 50th birthday. I get a few cards on my birthday and at Christmas but that’s it. I can’t remember the last time I had a Christmas present but it must be at least 10 years ago if not more. I’ve got used to it, not getting any presents, just going for a walk and going to the club and coming back home to an empty house. I’ve had to get used to it and accept it or it would get me down especially at Christmas. It’s nice to think that someone thinks enough of me to give me something. I’ll treat it as an early birthday present, my birthday is the day before the autumnal solstice so it has a significance for me as I plan to run to the stones on my birthday and on the solstice.
So sad to see another black man shot in America. I do wonder what the world is coming to and if it’s ever going to stop this violent behaviour from the police who seemingly believe in shooting first and asking questions later. I would despair and believe the world is a bad place but I know that there are good people in the world too, people who want to make a better society for all and not just go round shooting everyone and everything.
Some of the posts people I have on here really make me sad. Posts about not letting immigrants in, glorifying violence against others, mocking peoples disabilities, viewing women as sex objects. What really amazes me is the normality of these people, old men retired, office workers, people with responsible, high status jobs and yet just underneath the surface they’re a completely different persona to the one they portray to the public. I hope I’m doing the right thing and not following their very poor example of how to live.
1:48pm. The storm and rain subsided and I took the opportunity to go for a walk round Ogden Water to clear my head and think things over. I love it at Ogden especially on a day like today when it is quiet and I have the time and space to think about past, present and future. The past is gone and cannot be changed but I can learn from it and use the past to create a better future. The present changes each second, as one second goes the present becomes the past but what we are doing and living through remains until we deal with it in one way or another. I thought about my PhD today and how it brings with it, its own problems and issues creating stress and anxiety which can overwhelm me and take over my life if I’m not careful. Thinking about doing my PhD in terms of a career move and where it might lead me I find stressful and I end up sitting here staring at the screen doing nothing. I wondered how I could change how I think about my PhD so it’s less stressful and I do something with it. I thought I had a unique opportunity to make a difference and create a better society for all with improved knowledge and understanding of autism in later life and how this will benefit so many people from all backgrounds. Thinking about it like this took a lot of the pressure off and enabled me to realise that I need to focus on the here and now with my PhD and not worry about the future, that will take of itself. I’ve a form to fill in today and submit and then I can concentrate on doing my PhD and making the most of the many opportunities I have. I thought about the future and what I would like to do and like to happen. Some of it is in my control and it is up to me to make that future happen. A lot is not in my control and I’ll just have to do my best and wait and see what happens and deal with it if and when it does. Ogden Water was lovely today, so peaceful, looking elegant and dazzling after the storm, the water sparkling grey and sliver, a rainbow of greens and browns from the floor to the ceiling bringing life to Ogden with the smells and sounds emanating from it, birds enjoying the tranquility, diving for food or sleeping at the side, the Giants Tooth poking out of the ground a beacon for all to go to, people walking around enjoying Ogden for what it is, a place to escape from the world even if only for an hour or so.
5:19pm. I’m not going to CVFR tonight for the pack run. It’s too wet and windy to travel over there and I’ve some big runs coming up this weekend so a rest will do me good. I’m had a strange feeling all day, nothing bad, actually quite warming but still strange all the same. It’s a feeling I get when things are changing or about to change. There’s nothing I can do, everything is out of my control. All I can do is wait and see what happens and hope it’s something good. I feel that this is something good although I’m not quite sure what. I pray it is good. I do feel as if I’m going through some major changes in life and in myself, discovering who I really am, believing what I want to believe, what matters to me and finding my identity.
6:39pm. So sad to read about a young mother, an asylum seeker, who died when her right to work here ended and she had no money, nothing. Her one year old son was beside her body crying for several days before someone heard him and went to investigate. The son has now recovered and is staying with his father but what long lasting damage has been done to him psychologically and emotionally? We may never know for years. It a sad indictment of our society that in the 21st century we can’t help someone to live and show compassion and understanding, provide them with a job, money and a roof and give them some self respect. A very sad story.
8:54pm. I’m tired but happy. It’s been a good day and I feel that I’m on the right path however I’ve got here. I’m looking forward to a good nights sleep and some nice dreams.
The Autistic FellRunner 