June 20th, Frustrations


9:33am. I didn’t do a diary yesterday. I didn’t have the energy or the right frame of mind to do one. The day started off ok, topped up the fluids in my car, collected my meds, went to big Tesco, easier and quicker to shop there than my local one, came home and had a look at what I had to do. Sort out my Disabled Students Allowance (DSA) with Student Finance England (SfE). Easy enough to do. Ring them up, ask them what I needed to do and do it. How wrong I was.

I rang SfE up and after going through the usual rigmarole of confirming who I am to a robot I got through to someone called Dean. He seemed nice enough and was helpful, telling me I had to apply for DSA every year, something I was unaware of, and then asked me for the details from my letter. I was upstairs as the signal downstairs isn’t very good so I went downstairs and the lost the signal and the call. I tried ringing back and couldn’t get through. Then I emailed my disability advisor at uni who was off until Tuesday and gave me the details of another advisor to speak to.

By this time I was getting increasingly annoyed and frustrated at the lack of anyone to be able to help me. The other advisor contacted me and sent me a form to fill in. I couldn’t input the numbers on the form so had to search for it from the government website and fill it in there. The numbers still wouldn’t go in right so I had to fill them in on my phone and they appeared different when I viewed them on my laptop! I couldn’t sign it but sent it to the advisor who came back to me and said that SfE insisted on it being signed. My printer wouldn’t even turn on so I had no way of scanning something in and I can’t go into uni to do it as the whole campus is closed because of Covid. The advisor found a website where you can create a digital signature and I did one and sent it off.

This whole process that would have taken ½ hour max to do had I had a form in front of me took at least 4 hours! Four hours of going back and forth and being asked to do this and that and unable to do it because my printer doesn’t work and the resources you are given to work with aren’t fit for purpose. By this time it was around 5pm and my head was literally splitting in half because I was so frustrated and annoyed. This was a tension headache and a really bad one, very different to my usual headaches. I had some paracetamols and went to bed hoping they would work and I would wake up feeling better.

As Claire said last night nothing is as easy and straightforward as it seems or as it should be. This seemingly innocuous process ruined my day and made me feel ill. It should have been easy and straightforward but it was far from it. It was a nightmare and on a day when I should have been doing uni work or writing I ended up filling in forms and going to bed.

I felt crap to say the least all day. My weight has ballooned over the past few days from 13st 12lbs four days ago to 14st 9lbs today! How can my weight go up so dramatically and so quickly in such a short space of time? The only change I made to my diet was eating a burger and two sausages for four days and my weight skyrockets because of this? It doesn’t make sense. I’m running tomorrow so I will see if my weight goes down and it was a blip or if it doesn’t it could be an indicator of something more serious.

Last night I did nothing. I was absolutely worn out from the afternoons fiasco and the headache from hell. I had no energy and no motivation to do anything so I did nothing and just watched telly.

Today the tension headache has gone replaced by my usual dull, throbbing headache and I’m tired but ok. I feel fat and bloated so I’m going to be careful what I eat today and see if that makes a difference. I’ve got a small pain in my chest where it usual is. At least yesterday I didn’t turn to spirits and cigs to get me through the day as I have done in the past. I need to get my lottery later so that’ll get me out for a walk and I’ll try and do some writing today. So much to do and the days just go by without anything being done.

What has amused me today is a post about the criminal careers of two black men who were killed at the hands of the police and the guy expecting people to support him. Instead of people supporting him he has quite rightly been slaughtered. Whilst there is no defence for the men’s criminal past there is equally no excuse or reason for them to be killed at the hands of those who should protect everyone. Committing a crime does not mean you are a legitimate target to be killed by the police. If you do a crime you expect to be punished but not by death. Posts like this expose the people who post them for the narrow minded racists they are and it saddens me that we have people like this in our world.

1:56pm. I’ve written something for the first time in ages! Not much just a few pages but I really enjoyed it and I feel like I’ve done something today rather than wasting it.

3:19pm. Done some kettlebell and medicine ball exercises the first exercises since Thursday and my disastrous run. I felt good but my left knee doesn’t feel 100% right so I’ll have to be careful tomorrow. My left knee is usually good it’s my right knee that I have problems with. I’m hoping I haven’t damaged my left knee. Off to get my old neighbours Netflix back up and running for her after I’ve got my lottery.

9:41pm. Sorted my neighbour out with their Netflix, email and Britbox. Tension headaches started again. Had some beers and had enough. Can’t do anything feeling like this. Tired, confused, woozy and headache after headache after headache. Supposed to be running tomorrow. We’ll see. Just not in the mood for anything right now. Nothing at all…

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