It’s 10:34am on a overcast and dreary Sunday morning and I’ve done nothing apart from get up and have breakfast. I listened to Wuthering Heights during the night, one of my favourite books and I had another lie in which was nice. I was going to get up early and got for a run but I’ve got no energy and no motivation to run at the moment and with two big runs planned for this week I decided a walk would be the better option. I also have a few niggles which will hopefully go by Tuesday if I don’t run but if I do run they may make everything worse and I could do myself a serious and long term injury. I have done a lot these past 2 months or so and it was bound to catch up on me at some point.
My head feels the same as it does everyday at the moment, a but fuzzy and aching making it difficult to concentrate and apply myself to anything. I’m going to go for a walk and try and read a book and take the rest of the day from there. The only good thing about feeling so tired is I’m too tired to feel anxious or stressed.
It’s now 4:02pm and I’ve just had my dinner after a 9 ½ mile walk. The walk was ok, probably a couple of miles too much but still nice to get out over the moors and feel the wind on my face. The headaches are still here coming and going ever so gently like the ebb and flow of the tide on a beach on a calm summers day coming and going ever so slowly but gradually, very, very gradually creeping further and further up the beach. It make take months or years to get to the top of the beach but it will get there one day and never go back… it’s always there and I can always feel it, sense it, quietly throbbing and ebbing away in the background. Sometimes it makes itself more prominent and known as if to say I can cause you more pain if I wanted to. Other times it’s difficult to notice as if it’s gone on holiday and lulling me into a false sense of security in thinking it’s gone forever and I can return to what my life was like before the headaches.
Mentally it’s not a good day. Too many thoughts going round and round in my head that I can’t get rid of no matter how hard I try. They just keep appearing in my mind as if they’re teasing me, mocking me, thoughts about the here and now, the past and the future, all jostling for prime position in my mind but not getting it because there’s too many and I’m too tired to try and work through them and put them in some logical order and dismiss some while elevating others. Some are stupid thoughts that I shouldn’t be having, others may be more relevant and have more purpose but with so many it’s impossible for me to even start to shift through them. They’re just making me even more tired and weary. All I want to do is get drunk and forget and wake up unable to remember them and start again. I won’t get drunk though because it solves nothing. You wake up feeling even worse and all the same problems are still there, nothing has gone away and you still have to deal with it.
I visited the Giants Tooth at the top of Ogden Water rumoured to be a place of ancient worship by prehistoric people. Nobody can say for sure if it was but I felt something there and I said a prayer. I could feel energy there. I don’t know where it came from but when I touched the Giants Tooth I could feel something and it was comforting and reassuring much like the feeling I get when I go to the rock and the stones. I’m glad I’ve found another place like them and one close to home. The trio of places is now complete, rock, stone and tooth.
It’s 8:36pm and it’s time for bed for me. I’m so tired. Since my last update I’ve gone from wondering if I’m some sort of social pariah as everyone else seems to be running with everyone else and no-one apart from Kevin wants to run with me. Do people think I’m going to get too close to them or do others see something in me that I don’t that makes them wary of going near me and they’d prefer to avoid me at all costs? And then we had our quiz and I felt human again, that people actually liked me and enjoyed my company. I’ve probably got it wrong as I usually do but it does make me think and wonder if being seen with me is some sort of crime and it’s better that people aren’t seen with me because they will go to jail or something.
Anyway these are the musings of a very tired man who has lost his way in life at the moment and is sailing through life without a oar, a rudder or any sails. I’ve no idea what’s happening or what’s going to happen but I need to find some sort of direction and soon.
The Autistic FellRunner 