Tuesday, 15th September, Relieving anxiety


9:02am. A difficult day. Thoughts and emotions I haven’t had for a long time and didn’t think I’d ever have again have come back in the night and taken over leaving me anxious and worried. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts at my age, these are the thoughts of a teenager. I need to wake up and smell the coffee, forget about these thoughts and dreams and concentrate on what is real and actual not up in the clouds far away, out of reach. I need a walk to think about things, sort them out and sort myself out. Days like today I have to come down from the clouds and be hard on myself. I can’t do what I’ve done in the past which is smoke and drink to excess and make things worse. A short walk over the moors is what I need to free my mind and see what happens. I wish I knew what to do for the best. At the moment I’ve no idea what to do.

11:28am. I’m at the stones. I had to come here I just felt so anxious and out of sorts this morning coming to the stones was my only option today cool to quell my nervousness. I don’t know what to do. I feel like whatever I do it’ll be wrong as I’m not very good at making I’m choices especially the right ones. I always feel that’s I make life difficult for myself instead of making it easy. Life is like a wave ebbing and flowing, sometimes calmly, others with anger. I hope that what is going on in my head is sorted soon one way or another, but life will go on whatever happens. It is a beautiful day at the stones. It is so quiet, peaceful and tranquil. This is heaven. It doesn’t get any better from this. If I died now I would be the happiest man alive.

2:00pm. Home after a stunning walk over the moors. It was beyond compare. Words and photos could never do it justice. So calm, so peaceful. It was heaven on earth and the cathedral was the stones, the one thing that is always there for me, listening to me, to my worries, to my hopes and dreams, to every secret I have, every desire I have. All I can do is wait and see if my prayers are answered and if they are, they are everything I hope they will be. I went barefoot around the stones today, took my shoes and socks off and walked around the stones to experience what it is like to feel the earth beneath me, to walk on heather and rock with nothing getting in the way. It was a wonderful experience, feeling connected to the earth, feeling the energy coming straight up, into your body and soul, whizzing around and then going back into the earth. I was worried my feet would get cut or hurt on the rocks but my senses were heightened by the experience of feeling my feet sink into soft mud, heather crack below my feet, my feet wrap around rock naturally, gripping it tight, holding on with no worries.

Soon I was off back to my car. I took the Auld Lang Syne trail from the trig point, one I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. It was a good choice walking bare chested through the middle of the moor, feeling the sun warm my skin, water cooling my feet. I went past the plantation where an hour before I had see two Typhoon jets fly over about a 100ft above them, marveling at the skill needed to do this. Back on the usual trial I went down to the Bronte Waterfalls before heading back to the carpark and home. A truly uplifting and humbling experience, marveling at the natural beauty we are surrounded by.

4:20pm. Been to join my local gym. A bit more expensive than Puregym but more convenient being less than 5 minutes away. I’m in good shape now and I don’t want to get fat over the autumn and winter cause I can’t get out running. I need to keep fit now I am fit.

5:09pm. Still wonder what people think of me… Do they think I’m ok, nice, , interesting, boring, creepy or just an annoying pain in the arse! I often wonder what people think of me.

10:34pm. Went to CVFR for the weekly club run. I felt nervous as my ankle was aching but I had to run to find out how it was. In the end there was three of us and we had a good run and watched the sun set over Todmorden.

We ran to Sheepstones on top of Midgely Moor and for the first time we put our headtorches on. I like running at night. It sharpens your senses and reflexes, makes you more aware of where you are going. You have to focus and concentrate more, you cannot switch off or you risk falling, even more so than in daylight. It’s another experience that running has brought me and one I’m glad of. We run down to Old Town and through Red Acre Woods. I’ve never run through here before so this was something in another way too. I kept on the trail and got back to the community centre before going to the pub for a chat and a pint. I headed home and poured myself a small gin and tonic before I went to bed. I caught sight of my reflection in the window. I don’t think I’m too bad for my age. I’ve been in worse shape and I know people younger than me in worse shape. Now it’s the autumn it’s time to maintain what I have built over the spring and summer and not let myself go as I have done in the past. Now I’m a member of my local gym I’ve no excuses to not keep in shape.

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