8:24am. I woke up today feeling melancholy and thinking, thinking about everything. Thinking about friends, people who were important to me and people who are now. Thinking about my PhD and wondering if I’m doing the right thing. Thinking about my life story and all the stuff I’ve kept to myself over the years that will be revealed if I write it, living in poverty and debt, alcohol abuse, feeling as if life is a continual struggle rather than something to be enjoyed. Feeling lonely and unloved and not knowing what to do about it. Feeling confused about life and people and things and how this affects your mental health, forever wondering if I’m doing the right thing, making a mess of things, missing out on opportunities because I don’t know what to say or when to say it. I need to go to the stones or the rock but with the Yorkshireman Half tomorrow and a dodgy ankle I daren’t risk it. Yet just thinking about them helps me, brings me a sense of calmness and understanding as if they are with me now and they know I can’t always get to them even though I want to and they send me positive vibes helping me to get through the day and not go back to my old ways, the old ways that sent me over the edge and nearly destroyed me. I want to be a better person, I want to learn and understand and change for the better. I want to do this naturally and not forced. I want to meet someone who takes the time to get to know me and understand me and me them and share experiences with, support each other, be there for each other and make each other laugh and be happy. I wonder if I’ve yet to meet this person or if I’ve already met them and missed them or if it’s just a matter of time before they reveal themselves. Who knows what path life will take me down next or where I’ll end up. I don’t know but I’m ready for a new path and new, exciting adventures and experiences. I’ve never been more ready in my life as I am now.
9:22am. I was worried that I wouldn’t have anything to write about for my life story. I needn’t have. I’ve just done some very brief chapter summaries and I have 22 possible chapters so far and so much is coming back. I was feeling down when I got up this morning but now I’m feeling happy and positive. I have so much to write about. As the physic said at the beginning of the year this year is about not giving up and believing that good things will happen if I put some effort in. I’ve no idea where the chapters came from this morning but I am not giving up on anyone or anything.
10:50am. I’ve just done something I haven’t done for a very long time, I’ve done my kettlebells and other exercises for a second consecutive day! I’m usually worried about doing exercises or running day after day but today felt good. I reduced the amount of sets but it was well within my capabilities. I might be able to do this most days now and keep my fitness levels high whilst keeping my weight and body fat low. I did it with my running last week. The CVFR pack run was my second run in two days but I was sensible and went with the slow, steady group on a short run. I played it safe and it paid off. I smashed the handicap and today I feel great. I’m ready for tomorrow and I know I can give it my best and enjoy it.
12:30pm. Quote of the day,
I spend an insane amount of time worrying if I’m doing the right thing.
I need to spend more time remembering I’m doing my best and that is enough.
4:28pm. It’s squeaky bum time, butterflies flying around my stomach, time to touch some cloth. I haven’t had this feeling for a long, long time and I wasn’t sure when I would again due to Covid but here it is. It’s the night before a race and I am shaking with nerves. I always get nervous before a race. I won’t sleep tonight and then I’ll have loads of coffee tomorrow making me worse. All I can think about is the race and starting and the route and finally putting to bed the last runs I’ve had on this course where I’ve performed poorly. Tomorrow I want to bury those demons and prove to myself I can do it and do it well. It’s irrational why I get nervous. I’m not going to place or do anything special but I can’t help it. I hate it the night before a race. I don’t want to go and I know tomorrow morning I’ll be looking for excuses not to go and finding none. I’ll get in my car and go onto autopilot. I won’t remember anything. All I can think about is the race and nothing else. I was the same on Thursday when I did the CVFR handicap. I wanted to do so, so well and I did. But before I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay in bed. But I knew that wasn’t an option. I had to go to get rid of the nerves, get rid of the demons and prove to myself I can do it and I did. I smashed that bastard and left a piece of my soul at Stoodley Pike. Once I get going I’ll be fine. You could chop my balls off and I wouldn’t notice. But until then it’s nerves, nerves and more nerves. I won’t sleep, I’ll be up at some stupid time and get there hours before I’m due to go. I know because I’ve been through this so many times before and hopefully I’ll go through it again.
8:56pm. Been to the club and had a few beers. I had to get out of the house or the thought of tomorrow would destroy me. It was a good night and took my mind off it for a bit till people started asking me about my running. Sent Claire a message with the wrong emoji. I thought it looked ok but when I checked it was the wrong one. I’ve no idea with emojis. My head aches and I won’t sleep tomorrow so I’m hoping I wake up without a headache at least. At least it’s tomorrow now and it’s over.
The Autistic FellRunner 