8:04pm. It’s the day after another meltdown. Being autistic you get used to meltdowns and I view it as a process I have to go through now. I know how I’m going to feel, what I’m going to say but I also know the moment will pass as it has done many, many times before. I know that when I meltdown there is nothing no-one can do to help, it’s just something I’ve learned to live with and accept as part of my life. It’s often only after the event that you realise you been in a meltdown as it hits you from nowhere and leaves you floored as if knocked out by a heavyweight boxer. And like that knockdown you know you’re going to get back up again and be back on your feet because you’ve done it so many times before. So you get on with going through the process of melting down and writing about it because it may help someone else who is in a similar situation. I did my usual, got drunk, ate crap although no meat and smoked some cigs to get me through. It’s my rescue package and it works for me however unhealthy it may be. As a consequence I woke this morning with a thumping hangover but feeling better than I did yesterday. The meltdown had gone and I had got through the process once more. There will be more meltdowns and I will get through them. I know I have the inner strength and resilience to do so. It doesn’t make it any easier going through the process but you do know there is a light at the end of the tunnel however dark that tunnel may seem at that moment.
So today I went to the club, I would have loved to run but injury prevents me from running, and played dominoes badly although we did win the last game so we didn’t leave empty handed. I’m home now and I have smoked the last of my cigs as I feel sick from them now so I know I won’t want anymore tomorrow. I’m drinking water too as I can’t face anymore alcohol even though I’ve got some in the house, another sign for me that I’m over this meltdown and I’ve got through the process once more. Tomorrow is a day at uni and a meeting with my supervisor which I’m looking forward to as I have several ideas I want to run past him and I want to discuss finding me a more permanent room at uni and one I can use for longer than twice a week and six hours a day.
I’ve stuck to my meat free diet too. Despite the meltdown and alcohol I haven’t wanted to eat any meat so that’s a massive positive for me and something I’m really proud of doing.
The Autistic FellRunner 