9:24am. I woke feeling anxious, the first time I have felt anxious for a while. Usually I can get out and run to combat my anxiety but I can’t today because my Achilles is still aching from my birthday run last Sunday and I daren’t risk it. The last thing I want to do is make it worse and be out injured for even longer. I don’t think I’d be able to cope…
So my mind decides to go into overdrive, creating a million thoughts, some of which I wonder if I should be having… feelings, emotions, and more… but I am having them and there not easy to deal with, I am struggling at times to deal with them… It’s nice outside too, bright and sunny with a chill in the air, perfect weather for running but I daren’t risk my Achilles not today. It’s so frustrating when you’re injured and you think all your friends are out on the moors having fun, running fast and far, seeing the beautiful moors while all I can do is sit and stare out of the window wishing I was with them… I’ll get out tomorrow. I’ll dig out my walking boots and go walking somewhere, anywhere just to see the moors again before Monday comes and brings the reality of life with it.
So today is writing and gym and icing my leg to see if that helps. I’ll go for a walk to get my lottery and try and keep everything in check. It won’t be easy but I can do it.
On a brighter note going meat free is paying off. I had quite a few last night at the club and a couple of veggie burgers when I got home but still no weight gain. Usually I would pile on the pounds but not this time. This time the weight is staying off and I’m glad it is. It’s cheaper too going meat free. I haven’t had to go shopping as often so that’s an unexpected bonus. If I can carry on meat free over the weekend I can do it for longer.
As usual there’s things I want to say, maybe should say but I daren’t incase I’ve got it wrong and lose things that mean a lot to me. I never thought that at the age of 53 I’d be feeling like this. I shouldn’t be but I am and it’s difficult, really difficult at times but I’m sure things will play out and work out one way or another in time and what will be, will be.
11:14am. Bright skies become filled with clouds taking the light away. The wind in turn blows the clouds to far away places I’ll never see letting the blue skies see the world once more. I’m in a deep, thoughtful mood today, wondering if I’m doing right or doing wrong, wondering what I should do next, wondering what to do for the best. Being like this does bring out the creative in me as feelings and emotions I struggle to understand and have no outlet for take over my very existence, eating away at me, keeping a fire burning deep down inside me that refuses to go out. I find it impossible to focus and concentrate as these thoughts circle my mind keeping everything else out. What can I do to get over this? I could go and buy a bottle of whisky but that solves nothing and I’ll only end up feeling worse and possibly having made yet another drunken mistake.
3:42pm. Been to the gym and done a full body workout. Feel worse now than I did this morning. Feeling low and down today and struggling to shake it off. Don’t know what to do. Life is shit when you’re on your own day after day after day and nobody wants you.
7:24pm. Feel shit, worthless, fat, useless, old and ugly.
The Autistic FellRunner 