July 22nd, return of the headaches

12:51pm. Had an on / off night of sleep feeling like I spent most of it awake listening to the sounds of the night and my cat snoring. I got up at 6:30am and had a headache straight away the same headaches I’ve had many times before. I had breakfast and caught up on some emails before going to Tesco’s to get petrol and food I can’t get at my local Tesco and came home. I feel tired and drained again and I have so much to do my research proposal being the most important item. I’m still suspicious of my supervisors and have a feeling that they want to push me in the direction of doing a PhD thesis that is more historical based rather than one that confronts contemporary issues and is more relevant and important in terms of usefulness to society instead of simply being a reflection of how autism has got to where it is and a demonstration that I can read a book and write. So despite the headache and feeling tired I’m going to start on my proposal and see how far I get.

10:43pm. Had a nap. Didn’t want to but couldn’t function so had to. Got up and had to scan in my assessments for my new mentors but my new printer / scanner wouldn’t work with my laptop so I wasted at least an hour of my life trying to get it too before going upstairs and going through my box of leads and finding one that made everything work after at least 2 hours. Went to Tesco’s and got my sunflower lynard. I don’t have to wear a mask now in a shop. Home and just wasting time. I feel like I did weeks ago, confused and lost. I’m sure the alcohol masks the reality of what is happening which makes out working out what is actually happening so much more difficult. Is this where fantasy for want of a better world starts to merge with reality and it becomes harder and harder to distinguish between the two…