June 28th, Getting back to normal

9:49am. After yesterday which was frustrating on every level and boring beyond belief I’m hoping for a better day today.

I woke up around 4am as usual and dozed on and off till 7:30am when I got up. I had literally propped myself up on one arm to get out of bed when Claire messaged me asking if I was ok. It was as if she was watching me and waiting for the opportune moment to message me. Good job she didn’t video call me or she would have got more than she expected! Still goes back to Claire asks me how I am and I reply and I ask her and she doesn’t but maybe that’s just the way we are. It’s nice that she asks and shows she cares. I’ve no doubt I get on her nerves with some things as much as she does me but that’s the way we are with each other and we just have to accept it and accept that there’ll be times when we annoy the hell out of each other but that deep down we do care about each other too and that’s why we are the way we are with each other. Claire is nuts too, absolutely nuts and makes me laugh and we’re still getting to know each other too which can take a lifetime. What would I do without her… I’m sure we’ll get there in the end and become good friends who understand each other and are there for each other. I just hope Claire understands that I do care about her even if the way I go about it is cack handed to say the least. I’ve always had problems expressing myself and it causes me so much stress and anxiety and so many problems I try and avoid doing it as much as possible. It’s easier than getting myself into situations that make everything worse and stress me out even more. I just hope that Claire understands why I care and how difficult it is for me to say something like that and accepts that I’m flawed but care in my own way.

Breakfast done and checking Strava when Claire pops up and she’s gone over on her ankle again. I try and console her but it’s difficult and I understand why. In 5 years of running I must have been injured 2 the worse when I was flying through Ogden Water and my right knee cracked my leg went stiff and smashed into the ground dislodging a bone in my lower leg that I didn’t notice for a couple of days until the swelling went down. A 5 minute walk took me 45 minutes and I was in the form of my life actually running fast. I was out for months and it doesn’t matter what anyone says you’re stuck at home getting fat, losing fitness and seeing everyone else running. It really, really gets to you mentally. It eats away at you gradually and everything you run for to help you think things over reduce your stress and anxiety and forget about life is taken away from you and you have no outlet for them and everything intensifies and magnifies and life becomes impossible because you feel under so much stress and pressure and you can’t release it. I turn to drink and smoking which makes things worse. I’ve learnt from watching older far more experienced guys at CVFR and changed my running technique and have a better idea of when to go for it and when not to and what risks to take according to how I feel. Claire went over on a tree root and they together with wet Yorkshire stone slabs are my biggest fear when I’m running. I’ve gone over on both and got injuries from them so now I’m extra careful and look for an alternative line to take if I can.

I’m off out soon myself and I’ll be running over tree roots and through streams and up wet, rocky trails so I have every chance of going over too. What has happened to Claire this morning will be at the back of my mind though and I’ll be extra careful today although that’s no guarantee that I won’t go over either…

Tomorrow’s run will be even more dangerous especially as it’s forecast to be heavy rain but that’s the thrill and buzz I get from running, pushing myself and finding new limits. If I die on the moors it’s meant to be.

I’ve been thinking about my running blog too. I’ve got a working title ‘the autistic fellrunner’ and have some ideas for it that I’ll run past Claire later.

5:03pm. I’ve been for a run just local. Found a new trail that cuts out a load of road. Would have tried it but for the massive bull halfway down under a tree! No way was I going to run down and try and get past a bull! I was careful today mindful of Claire going over this morning. I injected some pace into parts of my run as I want to get faster and it felt good to run at pace. It threw it down too and I would have got soaking wet but for my waterproof. Halfway up Whiskers Lane I could see another trail down the hill I had looked at. I’ll try it when it’s dry and sunny and I can see where the bull is better. Not worth the risk today. Still a decent run. My legs felt good too. A few aches in my knees but nothing too bad and nothing in my thighs and hamstrings which is good.

I’m so tired and I’ve so much to do. The house is a mess. I need to get rid of so much. I’ve got my research proposal to do too. Tomorrow I’ll change my plans and go for a shorter run in the morning or one closer to home and get on with my proposal so I can send it to my supervisors on Tuesday. Luckily I’ve got one I prepared earlier so I can crack on with that tomorrow and start getting rid of stuff I don’t use and don’t need anymore. It’s affecting my mental health so I know I need to do something about it. I should have support really because I struggle so much on my own at home but I just don’t qualify for it so I have to keep going because I have no choice.

8:50pm. I’ve got 9 carrier bags full of food I will never eat to throw away. I’m really ashamed of myself for wasting so much food when people are struggling and starving but I have to get rid of them and hopefully remember next time I’m tempted to buy something I’m doubtful I’ll eat just how wasteful I can be and think of others instead and buy something to put in the box for those less fortunate then me. I feel crap too. I haven’t been to the toilet all day and it hurts now. It’s common with autistic people and it happens every now and again but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’m drained and so, so tired. Tomorrow might just be a blast round Ogden just in case I don’t have enough for longer than 3 miles. I’ll have to see how I feel in the morning. Pretending you’re ok and strong takes everything and more sometimes and you have nothing left to give anyone and then you’re the bad person because you’ve given everything you have pretending you’re ok when you’re not and you still try and do your best and it’s not enough.

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