June 7th, at the bottom


It’s 2:37pm and it’s been a horrible day. I woke up feeling depressed, really depressed, depressed enough to have suicidal thoughts for the first time in a long time. The thought of running in the rain didn’t help and I hoped that Kevin would send me a message saying that the run was off and I could go back to bed and sleep all day but no, so off I went to the Hinchcliffe Arms to meet Kevin not looking forward to the run.

At the Hinchcliffe Arms I felt better and set off looking forward to running over Blackstone Edge an area I had wanted to run round for a long time. Kevin claimed he knew the route so I put my trust and faith in him. How wrong I was! We set off up a hill and followed the signs onto the moor and then made our first mistake. We turned left and followed a track with locked gates. This set alarm bells ringing in my head as gates are locked for a reason but Kevin said this was the way so I followed him. The track was good and I was running ok and soon we were at a sluice gate and we decided to bear right up onto the moor.

Within minutes we realised we had made a big mistake as the path disappeared and we found ourselves walking over rough grass looking for a path. It was here that I began to struggle as Kevin went off ahead and I was left behind trying to desperately keep up and failing. Running over open moorland saps your energy very quickly and I could feel myself going downhill but I carried on anyway. Eventually we found a path and Kevin could tell I was struggling as he asked me if I wanted to carry on or go back. Because I refuse to give in until the bitter end I said carry on so we did to Blackstone Edge reservoir.

We stopped at Blackstone Edge reservoir and as we set off I  still struggled although I managed to keep running. I did get a really good photo of me at a trig point Little Holder Stones very atmospheric and dramatic. After this we crossed over a stile and Kevin said he knew a path down to Withens Clough. He didn’t. We could see Stoodley Pike looking very dramatic in the distance, on dark, gloomy days Stoodley Pike looks very dramatic and impressive, far more so than on sunny days. Well it does to me.

Here we crossed more open moorland and trail paths and this is were everything started falling apart for me. My energy levels dropped to zero and I was feeling cold, very cold. My chest and shoulders felt cold as did my hands and I suspected that this was the start of hyperthermia and I knew whatever happened I had to keep moving. I was glad I was running with someone as all I wanted to do was lie down and go to sleep. I felt so tired and drained. I had nothing left in me. I was struggling to breathe and my legs had gone. All I could think of was death and dying. I wanted to give up there and then. Kevin kept disappearing into the distance and I was getting further and further behind.

We eventually got to a trail path and I was struggling here to run never mind keep up with Kevin. I had nothing left but the only option I had was to keep going as I was getting colder and colder and I knew this was the start of hyperthermia. Even if I stopped and Kevin went for help it might not be enough as once hyperthermia sets in it’s very quick and before you know it you’re in a coma and chatting with the angels. We carried on the trial path for a bit before Kevin decided to cross yet more open moorland convinced that there was a path leading down off the moor somewhere.

It turned out there wasn’t a path. The next mile or more was some of the worse running I have ever experienced. Mile after mile of open moorland and knee high rough grass. By know I really wanted to lie down and go to sleep but knew I couldn’t as I also knew I would never wake up if I did. It was a massive struggle and took everything I had and more to keep going and not stop. Eventually we got back to the sluice gate and took a different path off the moor.

Back on the trail I was really struggling now to just keep moving. I could hardly breathe, my legs ached, I was freezing cold and my head was pounding as it had been for much of the run. I kept wondering how in the space of a few weeks I had gone from someone who could run 15 miles comfortably to someone who was struggling to run more than 5 miles. All I wanted to do was lie down and never wake up.

It turned out we were on the right path this time and we found our way back to the Hinchcliffe Arms. Where we had turned left we should have turned right. Back at the car Kevin looked at me and said I didn’t look well, at least he didn’t look at it this time! I felt ill though, very ill. All I can think is the beta blockers are making me feel worse not better and it further convinces me that my headaches are nothing to do with migraines but something else like early onset dementia. There were times today that I felt woozy and confused and unsure where I was. I had a headache, a bad one and this didn’t help. I felt so poorly I wanted to die.

Claire went on a walk and said she had passed one person all the time she was out. This is why I like running and walking off road because you hardly see anyone. I don’t like club runs because I feel under pressure to talk and run and be sociable when I just want to run and enjoy my surroundings. The less people I see the better for me. One or two people I can cope with, anymore I can’t cope. I totally get what Claire says.

It’s now 3:54pm and I’m not having anymore beta blockers ever again, they are killing me. I hope I have a nice long sleep and wake up feeling a lot better than I do now. I’m turning into a braindead zombie and becoming less human every day I’m on the beta blockers.

It’s 9:25pm and I’ve drunk too much and ate too much but I feel better for it. I haven’t taken any more beta blockers today as I’m sure they would kill me. My heart rate is far too low for someone as active as me. I hope I have a nice, deep sleep and wake up feeling human again tomorrow. This week is about recovery and getting back to normal. The doctors can keep their pills and shove them where the sun doesn’t shine. I know what this is and I’ll fight it my way with the best friends anyone could wish for. I’ll show them what it is to be a fighter and I might not win the war but I’ll win a fair few battles on the way.

2 thoughts on “June 7th, at the bottom

  1. You’ve been tagging nearly all your recent posts with “autism” even though they don’t appear to relate much to autism (that I can tell). Would you mind being more judicious about which posts you tag with “autism”, so people who find your blog through the Actually Autistic Blogs List can be steered to the autism-related content more easity?
    Thank you.

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    1. In what way do my posts not relate to autism? My posts are about living an autistic life through my eyes as a high functioning autistic who also researchers autism. I want to give people a real life glimpse of what it is to be autistic and not go over old ground about what I perceive autism to be and get into debates on here about it. If you look at my posts from that of someone living an autistic life you will see that they are about autism. I will continue to tag my posts as autism because I want to change how people view autism and see that we live normal everyday lives life many others do.

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