My diary

I haven’t been writing much during lockdown but I have been writing a dairy of my continuing experiences with my headaches and my running. This is the first one I did on 19th, May 2020.

Why start a dairy now? I’ve never done one before and it would have made more sense to start one when all this Covid-19 kicked off rather than wait till it was well under way but being in lockdown has had a sobering effect on me. It’s made me think about who I am and why I’m here. Crucially it’s made me focus on my weaknesses and think about how I can overcome them. I might do, I might not but I at least have to try. I feel I have many faults and weaknesses that prevent me from living the life I want to live. Others might disagree. Whatever I need to do something to improve my life and my chances in life. Writing down my thoughts might help me to see what is wrong and what is not in my life and if I have the strength to do something about it. Whilst this diary has a serious undercurrent running through it I hope to inject humourous moments too although I do appreciate that my sense of humour is unique to say the least! 

I wasn’t going to start this diary today, I was going to wait until tomorrow to start it but something just happened which has made me start now, in fact start it this very second. Sometimes things happen which mean you can’t wait to do something and you have to do that something here and now not there and then.

I had my telephone appointment today about my headaches with my mysterious neurologist, I won’t reveal their name, but I’ve tried searching for them on the internet and don’t exist! They’re like a secret agent and I could imagine them in a cold war film as an assassin. The appointment went as I expected it would with them leaning towards a diagnosis of migraine attacks and me being prescribed beta blockers for them. Will they turn me into a world class athlete or will I end up having a heart attack during one of my long distance runs I wonder? Only time will tell. I disagree with this diagnosis as I know people who have migraines and mine are nothing like them. I feel this is more like early onset dementia which looking back on the lifestyle I’ve led of beer, beer and more beer wouldn’t surprise me at all.

I’ve had to make some lifestyle changes straight away. Out goes the cultured wine I’ve been drinking lately and in comes the less cultured real ale. I’m hoping it will make a difference and the headaches will go away and I can lead a normal life. The switch is to lesson any impact alcohol has on how the beta blockers work. I’m never going to stop drinking completely but I can reduce my intake. Only time will tell if it makes a difference. I’ve had a couple of bottles tonight and feel a bit fresh but nothing too bad.

Today has been ok or as ok as days are at the moment. I’ve felt a bit out of it, here in body but not quite in mind, and I feel tired and not able to think clearly or up to doing anything remotely normal but I’m still here. I feel like I’m at first stage hyperthermia where I know things aren’t quite as they should be but I can function and fit in to what is viewed as normal in society and get through the day. The benefits of masking autism, dyspraxia, depression and anxiety for years come in handy right now. I can put my mask on and pretend I’ve got a grip on everything even though underneath I haven’t and everything is falling apart in a surreal, Alice in Wonderland way. I’m not going to cause any dramas by telling everyone how much I’m struggling and can’t cope as everyone else is in the same boat at the moment. I’m telling Claire my really good friend. She listens and doesn’t judge just offers support when I need it most.

And what has just happened to make me start this diary now rather than tomorrow you might ask? Well I got myself some sea bass and fried it and ate it. I just went in the kitchen and the gas ring was still on after over 1 ½ hours. When you start forgetting things like that you start to worry. Am I losing it? Is this the beginning of the end? It’s too early to say but it’s something worth writing down just in case.