Wednesday, 30th September, Rejections and change

9:23am. I’ve had a rejection from my book proposal already! The publishers I sent it off to aren’t doing memoirs at the moment. I think maybe just sending off the first three chapters wasn’t a good idea either as it doesn’t reflect my writing. Today I’m going to write three more important and relevant chapters, suicide attempt, having cancer and getting diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. These might be a better way of sending off my book proposal.

Chapter about suicide

Chapter about cancer

Chapter about Asperger’s diagnosis

In addition I have found another publisher who doesn’t require a full manuscript and who specialises in books on autism and mental health and who I can send a proposal off to. The proposal form is a lot more structured too which helps me.

At the moment everything seems to have changed very suddenly and gone from excited about hopes and dreams to flat and nothing a bit like my running. A couple of weeks ago I was in the best form of my life running wise and now I’m sat here injured with a knackered Achilles. It would be easy to give up right now on my running, writing, PhD, people. That would get me nowhere though. That would be the easy way out just to give up and do nothing and achieve nothing and never know what might happen. I know what will happen if I give up, nothing will happen and I will lose everything and achieve nothing.

Everyone goes through slumps and it’s these slumps that make us, far more than the highs when we’re riding the waves and everything is going great. Life is good then but we learn little because everything seems to be effortless and easy. When we’re down or in a slump we have to look at ourselves and others and think about where we are and how we got here and where we want to go.

I don’t know if I’ll succeed with my hopes and dreams but I’m not giving up on them or anyone. As my medium said at the start of the year this year is about not giving up despite any setbacks and believing that everything will turn out right in the end. She said that if I don’t give up I will achieve my dreams and everything will finally fall into place so I’m not going to give up and I will keep going to the day I drop dead.

1:58pm. The university has sent an email about spaces becoming available for Post Graduate Research students to study in. The form is a simple tick box exercise but not very good as it lists ‘personal circumstances’ as a reason to apply for a space but doesn’t ask you to tell them about your ‘personal circumstances’ and how they affect your ability to study at home. This is very poorly designed in my opinion as every PGR student will list ‘personal circumstances’ as a reason to apply and those with actual ‘personal circumstances’ may lose out on a place to someone who can study from home. People should be asked what their ‘personal circumstances’ are that means they cannot work from home before being given a study space. My supervisors say just fill it in and send it off! No one gives a shit!

3:54pm. I’ve filled the form in for a study space and sent it off. No-one seems to know what to do about it. Fingers crossed I get a study space. The book proposal form for Jessica Kingsley is a lot better than just doing it blind as I did for Green Dragon . This form has got me thinking and I think writing the three chapters I mentioned previously is a good idea as it will allow me to demonstrate that I can write about difficult subjects and put them into an autistic context too.

5:30pm. Made good progress with my book proposal and have a better idea about the direction I want my book to go.

9:26pm. Been to the gym and done 1 ½ hours of cardio. Feel a lot better for it and my Achilles feels better too. Couple of glasses of wine and bed. Todays been a good day.

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