July 10th, wondering…

1:16pm. Woke up with a really bad headache that went but is now making an unwelcome return. Despite the headache it’s been an interesting morning…

I did some jobs and caught up with stuff. One of the things I did was an online research study for a friend at Bournemouth University regarding autism and suicide. Some of the questions were about ADHD and ADD and these really struck a chord with me. I suffer from an inability to concentrate, trouble paying attention, trouble sticking to a task, I am disorganised and untidy, I don’t always pay attention something which was often said to me in school, I make careless mistakes and I struggle to follow instructions all symptoms of ADD. I struggle to make and keep friends and I struggle to form close relationships again symptoms of ADD. I have moments like the past few days when all I’ve wanted to do and done is eat crap food which makes me feel worse in many ways and as a consequence I’ve put on ½ st in weight which makes things worse not better and I take risks such as going off running over the moors on my own knowing full well that if anything was to happen I may die because of the remoteness of the terrain I am running over. I start something and rarely finish it, my degree being the exception somehow. For me it all adds up and makes sense and helps me fill in gaps I had about my personality and identity. What would a formal diagnosis do for me? It would confirm everything for me and allow me to move forward. It would give me a reason as to why I am the way I am and give me access to treatments and strategies to enable me to live a better life and achieve more. Drugs may just take the edge off of everything and calm me down that little bit and allow me to concentrate and focus on my studies and achieve what I am capable of with my PhD and more in life. I’ve emailed my Disability Advisor at uni to see if I can get an assessment for ADD through uni as the waiting list is very long and a private assessment is very expensive. I might have come into this life dazed and confused and lived most of it like that but I’m hoping to leave it not as dazed and confused and with a better understanding of myself and of others.

My new shoes have come!! The Adidas are going straight back as they are pretty much the same as my Salomon and Hoka’s so unless I win the Euromillions tonight which is highly unlikely they go back. The Altras seem really good. They are light and very comfortable and the grips are awesome!! The one thing I noticed is that the midsole on my 300s is very narrow and this is where I have problems as I have very wide feet. The midsole on the Altras and some if my other shoes is very wide and this must make a difference as my midsole will be better supported by a wide midsole and therefore make the shoe less likely to break through the pressure of trying to support me than a narrow midsole will be. Just my thoughts and I might be wrong because I’m not a foot expert but I’m going to keep the Altras and see if my hypothesis is right. The toe box on the Altras is very wide too and shaped like a foot which seems to help with comfort as my feet can spread naturally and not feel bunched up. A few runs will help me see if I’m right but at the moment things are looking good.

3:56pm. I’ve been to get B vitamin complex from the shop and my headache hasn’t got any better. It hurt when I walked so there’s no way I can run today because it’s just too painful. My head is crippling me today but I’ve still got some stuff done and may even wake up later on feeling better and able to do something.

8:12pm. Had a nap and still have a headache. Had something to eat going to have a beer and have an early night and hope I don’t wake up with this headache tomorrow.

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