June 5th, tired as usual


It’s 8:28am and although I feel I’ve had a good nights sBarkerp I feel so poorly. I’ve no energy, feel confused, my head aches, I’m totally drained. I don’t feel very well today but I have to keep fighting and I mustn’t give in. I’ve a few things to do today and I will get them done. I haven’t felt this bad for a long, long time. Hopefully it’s these beta blockers kicking in and slowing everything down and my body adjusting to them. At the moment they don’t seem to be doing anything apart from making me feel worse. It’s like having hypothermia, everything is in slow motion and taking two or three times to comprehend and understand and work through. If it doesn’t pass by the weekend I’ll contact the doctors again. I’m not taking tablets that make me feel worse like I’m living an existence not a life.

It’s 4:18pm and I’ve done my DSA application which wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and been for a short walk and I’m shattered. I wanted to do so much more today but it isn’t going to happen so I’m going to sit in my chair and watch TV because mentally and physically that’s all I’m capable of today. I don’t know how I’m going to run 15 miles on Sunday with Mary and Ted.

It’s 10:04pm and this is an update I didn’t think I’d be doing as it’s so late and I’m very tired. I’m still going to do it as I think it and not change the style of my diary or that would spoil it all.

Claire Beck who are far as I’m concerned is a very good friend said she was disappointed that I wasn’t doing a diary today as she looked forward to it. In a world of madness it’s such a comforting thought that my ramblings have meaning to one person in this increasingly insane world. The small things mean the most…

So I have turned on my laptop while watching Dinner Ladies the absolutely brilliant sitcom written by the unbelievably talented Victoria Wood and continuously going back to correct my spelling mistakes.

Today has been a nothing day. I’ve done nothing and achieved nothing but that in itself has been an achievement because most days I feel under so much pressure to do something and prove myself that I crack under the strain and end up drinking too much to relieve the stress. Today has been different. For once I have recognised that I am not superhuman and I can only do so much and I need to rest mentally and physically and have a day when I do the bare minimum and not feel guilty about doing so and today is that day and it’s a great feeling when you know that the most you can achieve is nothing and you successfully achieve that. Tomorrow I hope I have a tad more energy so I can look at my life story again and think about how I can develop that and then Sunday I have the dubious pleasure of doing a recce of the Yorkshireman Half with Mary Barker and Ted Bovis. I say dubious in a fun way because my ears still haven’t got over listening to Ted last Sunday and knowing that Mary has similar political leanings to Ted and can talk forever means I’ll have double the earache on Sunday but I’ll enjoy it as you do when you’re facing a firing squad for 3 hours.

Thanks Claire for inspiring me to write a few more words tonight. In a sky full of stars you shine the brightest.

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