June 2nd, looking at myself


It’s 1:47pm and update time. I woke up feeling anxious and nervous about my upcoming run with Kevin, Maurice, Pete and Stuart. I hadn’t run properly since last Friday, Sunday was a walk and I’d felt sick and tired too since then. On top of that I weighed myself and I was 14st the heaviest I’d been for at least 2 months. This made me feel worse, all that good work for nothing, all that weight coming back on and back to feeling fat, repulsive and depressed again. Deep down I knew I had to go and run though. If I didn’t I would make things worse by comfort eating leading to drinking leading to anything. Going out running was the only option I had whatever my fears. I had to face them full on. On top of my usual anxieties and worrying if I was good enough to be out with these lads I was worried about my fluctuating heartrate and the effect this would have on my running. Would I end up in a ditch clutching my chest? Again the only option I had was to go out and find out or I would be sat at home and never get out of my chair. Facing your fears is difficult and scary but sometimes it’s the only option you have or your life is over.

So I drove over to Stainland Memorial Park and set off with the others for a run in yet more glorious sunshine. It was hard work at first. My legs didn’t want to move but I forced them to and although I was at the back I kept up and the others kept stopping and waiting for me. This continued for the first 4 or so miles which felt more like 40. I felt fat and slow and wondered if I had run my last run and I might as well go back to being an alcoholic slob and drink myself into an early grave. And then it clicked. Firstly the views were stunning today. Stainland is an area I’m not familiar with and Stainland Dean is a beautiful valley full of trials and woods making it easier to keep going as round every corner is a another view. And my legs came alive again. I could feel my legs moving again and running powering me up and down hills. I could feel some speed coming back and I felt like a runner again. I struggled but not as abd as I had been. I felt good, I felt happy to be running again. I finished the run in a far better state of mind than I had started it. I could feel my pack lose around my waist meaning I had lost some weight which I was pleased about. Everything was commenting on how good I looked even though I felt fat but now I felt a lot better and I could run again.

Facing my fears has never been easy for me. I’ve always been a wimp and run away finding it easier to avoid facing my fears than facing them and seeing what happens. I have so many fears right now and I know that at some point I have to face them or my life will never change and I will never know what might be only what is. I might lose friends and opportunities on the way but at least I will know what’s real and what is the truth rather than sitting at home wallowing in my own self pity and I know where that will lead… One thing I can do is accept that some foods are out of bounds now and I can’t eat them because I put on weight and I don’t want to go back to being the disgusting, repulsive person I was back then who everybody mocked and made fun of. As for alcohol if I want to reduce my headaches and increase my energy I’m going to have to greatly reduce my alcohol intake and accept that some things like gin and whisky are off limits or I’m going to end up living in a daze and not knowing whether it is the alcohol or something more serious. I’m going to have to start reading some academic books to see if I can understand them and then I can think about returning to uni. These are things in my control I can face on my own although I know I have the support of people. There are other things I fear but this is a start.

I’ve no idea what is going to happen right now with the world in such a mess but all I can do is stay positive and face my fears and be the best I can be. It’s scary but it’s the only way.

As for my headaches and feeling sick they’re not too bad today. There still there but they are manageable and I can cope today. I haven’t noticed any dramatic changes in my heartrate nor had any chest pains today so maybe the worse is behind me and everything will settle down now.

It’s 4:10pm and I’m having a crisis of everything. I feel fat, ugly, repulsive, stupid, worthless, useless, unloved and unwanted and to top it all off I’ve just found out that there’s a quiz tonight which I have to participate in and pretend to be sociable when all I want to do is curl up in a ball in a very dark room and cry.

It’s 9:36pm and time for a final update. I’ve had an afternoon np, I was so tired I could hardly stand up and I did the quiz which wasn’t too bad. I’ve been to Tesco’s to get some bits and physically I’m tired, mentally I’m gone. For whatever reason today I have nothing left mentally and I feel very melancholy but it’s just one of those things on one of those days. It’s not been too bad a day really, it could have been a lot worse and we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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