May 30th, anxious and tired


It’s 11:47am and time to update my diary. I’ve got my usual headache that’s controlling what I can and cannot do but I’m learning to live with it and do my best on the day. I will never, never let these headaches control me totally. An interesting point that Karen raised yesterday was how tense I always am and she was right. I’ve never been able to relax and I’ve always felt nervous and on edge and this translates into anxiety and people pickup on these signals and I can see how off putting it could be for a lot of people when they meet me and I’m nervous and anxious about meeting them and worried about what to say and do but I can’t explain it either so I come across as weird and creepy when I’m not, I’m just overwhelmed by everything and can’t control what I’m feeling or express it in a way that helps people to understand how I feel. I just stand there looking gormless like a statue. It’s also why I drink and why I drink too much, to control my nerves, the tension and the anxiety I feel. The beta blockers have taken this away though. I feel far more relaxed and far less tense and anxious and it’s a nice feeling to feel like this for the first time ever. I’m not worrying as much about everything, I’m just enjoying life the best I can.

I’m running the full Hebden tomorrow with Ted Bovis. Normally I wouldn’t be worried as I’ve run it before and know what to expect but I’m a bit concerned tomorrow about what effect the tablets will have on my body and especially my heart when I’m running. My heartrate is varying a lot going from very low to very high and the idea behind beta blockers is to slow down your heartrate but what happens if it slows down too much and can’t supply blood to your body when it’s under extreme pressure? I’ll find out tomorrow but at least if something does happen I’m with someone. I’m still worried though.

It’s 2:43pm and I’m shattered. I’ve done some exercises and my heartrate went down to the high 40s low 50s. Walked upstairs and it went over 100! Don’t get that and that’s why I’m worried about the run tomorrow if my heartrate goes haywire and something happens. I’m shattered too. The tiredness has washed over me yet again and I feel wiped out. I hope this is just a blip and life isn’t going to be like this cause it will be very tough.

It’s 6:25pm and I’m off to bed soon as I have a long run tomorrow and I want to be ready for it. I was shattered and almost falling asleep this afternoon but I went for a walk and got my unlucky lottery and felt better for that. I’m tired again so an early night might help, I can always watch or listen to something in bed. I’m going to have to write down what I eat and drink and see what I can cut out or reduce, a reduction in my alcohol intake might help me feel more alert and more energetic. I’ve put on a lot of weight over the past few days, around ½ stone but I will run this off tomorrow although I can feel it on my fat stomach. It’s time to see if a few minor lifestyle changes will make a big difference or not.

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