May, 21st 2020
It’s 10:37am and I’m still waiting for my parcel to come from Sportshoes the one that should have been delivered by 5:00pm last night. I daren’t try and read anything in case I fall asleep and miss it.
I’m tired this morning but good too. Whilst the fuzziness remains I feel more alert and aware than I have felt in ages. This is a good sign. Maybe my excessive alcohol intake recently has contributed to my physical and mental problems more than I realised, a continuing cycle of self medication through alcohol abuse got out of hand very quickly and led me into a downward spiral I didn’t realise I was in until now. I still don’t feel 100% but I do feel a lot better and more able to face the world and everything it has to throw at me. I might even be able to have a vaguely human conversation with someone!
So to see how far I have progressed I’m going to try and write a poem and do some work on my life story, two things I haven’t had the energy and motivation to do recently. It’s not much but it’s a start and all journeys must start somewhere however small that step may seem.
It’s 2:25pm and I’m shattered. I’ve done my knee exercises which seem to be working and greatly reducing the pain in my right knee which I’ve had for 3 years now. I’ve had something to eat and now I’m contemplating what to do next but my head is all fuzzy again as it has been for so long. I need to do something though and stop wasting the days as it won’t be like this forever.
It’s now 4:30pm and I’ve managed to edit a bit more of my life story and send it to Claire. My head has gone. It feels like I’m punch drunk or have hypothermia coming on. I’m so tired and really struggling now to stay awake and do anything even think. I hope this parcel comes very soon so I can go for a walk and go to bed for a nap.
It’s now 9:40pm and the day has ended quite well. My parcel still hasn’t arrived but I managed to perk up for the quiz and actually really enjoyed it. Social interaction is so important and when you don’t have it, it has a massive and detrimental effect on your mental health and it can be too late before you realise what is happening and why. I feel that I got very, very close to the edge but I’ve pulled myself back onto the river bank with the help of a very good friend.
I’ve managed to get to Tesco’s and get some fruit for the weekend too. I’ve still got too much food in the house but it is reducing. I got some fish too as I want to eat something that fills me but is light on my stomach and isn’t fattening and fish fits the bill.
As with most days at the moment it’s a case of taken them one day at a time and knowing that there will be ups and downs throughout the day and that is life. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, next week or next month. No one could have predicted what the world would be like now so I can’t predict what will happen but I will give it my best to be my best and see where it takes me. I might win big on the lottery yet and retire to the Calder Valley somewhere with a place in Spain for the winter and live a life of reading, writing and running. Who knows but when you stop dreaming you stop living.
The Autistic FellRunner 