Friday, 23 June 2023
I went to bed around 10pm last night, checked my phone and my cost-of-living payment had hit my bank account! It’s not much, £150, but right now, it’s the difference between me not affording the basics in life and affording them. As anyone who has been in this position, they will know that the effect it has on you mentally, is immense. Clouds, weights, and everything else is lifted, you can see clearly, think rationally, and sleep soundly as I did last night. I woke around 3am of course, some things never change, but I had a much better night’s sleep than I have had recently, and I feel a lot better for it this morning. I’ve still got a long way to improve my finances, but I’ve got some breathing space, where I can look at things with a clear mind and make rationally, sensible decisions.
One of the two cats who comes in and demands to be fed, in their own, unique way has been in and had their breakfast. I know they’re fed for the day now. The hard-faced woman, had been out too, walking her dog, looking straight ahead and not diverting her gaze or blinking for anyone. She wears the same clothes too, every day, no matter what the weather is, a puffa jacket, jeans and slip on shoes. I wonder what she’s been through to turn her into who she is, or to be more accurate, who I perceive her to be.
Mid afternoon and I’m back from the gym. Had a good session on the bike, X-Trainer, and battle ropes, despite my right hip aching. I feel like I’m making progress with my fitness, losing weight and toning up, and hopefully this will benefit my hip and I might even be able to run again. You never know, and you have to keep dreaming and believing you can. The only thing I don’t like about the gym is the incessant, boom, boom, boom, from the sound system, with, what to me, sounds like the same tune being played constantly. Apart from that, it’s a really good gym, clean, spacious, and never too many people in, so I’ll put up with ‘the noise’ from the speakers.
I popped into Sainsbury’s on the way home and got a few bits I need for the weekend. I put more thought into what I bought, thinking about whether I really needed it, and I spent less money. I’m eating less too, and feeling better for it, more energy, losing weight, so it’s all good so far, with my new approach to money and food.
After a nap on the sofa, watching Lovejoy, one of my favourite TV shows from the 90s, I pop round to the club for some beers and dominoes. I forget to take some cash with me and instead get my beers on my card, this is something I have promised not to do as I always spend too much money when I use my card. Soon we’re playing dominoes and losing, again. Me and my partner, Mick, seem to be on a losing streak at the moment, and no matter how hard we try we just can’t win. Still, that’s life. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don’t.
The evening continues and we carry on losing at dominoes. Mick decides he’s had enough and says he’s off home, just as another mate, Spike, turns up. He says he’ll play some dominoes with me, and we carry on, changing the game from straight dominoes, to 5s and 3s. We have a bit more luck at 5s and 3s, but not much, and soon we’ve finished dominoes, and it’s just Spike and me sat chatting.
He starts to ask me about my studies and what I’m doing and what I intend to do when I’ve finished them. I tell him I’m studying the relationship between mental health and fell running, and I would like to be involved in helping others with mental health problems, get to know the benefits of fell running and nature when I finish. Spike then asks me why I can’t do that now. I know what he’s getting at, why don’t I get a job instead of carrying on at university, but he’s missing the point and he doesn’t understand what a PhD is, or what it involves, which a lot of people don’t. a lot of my friends think I’m sat in a classroom all day, getting spoon fed all the facts and figures I need, and I sit down, take an exam, and all of a sudden I’ve got a PhD. If only it was that easy. The reality is I spend most of my days reading books, writing anything and everything down, hoping it’s right, and hoping I can further the knowledge of mental health and help people who experience mental health problems.
After telling this to Spike, who clearly, either, didn’t understand me, or believe me, we carry on drinking, and drinking, and drinking. At some point I left the club, but I have no idea what time it was, but it was late, very late.
The Autistic FellRunner 