8:56am. Had a decent nights sleep for a change. Still got a headache, not as intense as yesterday but it’s still there. I’m sat here wondering what I do wrong with people. I seem to drive them away for some reason. At first everything is ok and then they gradually leave my life. Do I bore them or does my behaviour get to them and after a bit they have had enough of me? I know I’m not easy but I do try and do my best for people and be the best I can. With my lack of social skills and not being able to read facial expressions and body language it’s twice as difficult for me to know if I’m doing the right thing or not. Together with my slowness of mind, taking in what people are saying and what it means it makes life really difficult for me at times. I don’t know what I do wrong. I wish I did so I can change it. I wish people would talk to me and help me to understand my own behaviour and other peoples and how they interact and intersect and how my behaviour affects other people. I want to be a better person but it’s a struggle when you feel like you’re in a rudderless boat without sails or a paddle in the middle of the sea and all you can see is water and sky and you don’t know where to go or what to do. Life can be really hard when you don’t understand it. I want to change but I don’t know how to change.
9:06pm. Had a nap in the afternoon as the headaches were getting unbearable. Woke up feeling a bit better but not much. Went to the club and the headaches were getting worse so I had to put my mask on and pretend I wasn’t in pain and struggling. It’s an act I’ve got used to now over the past year, I’ve had to do. It’s either that or breakdown completely and end up in hospital. After the others have played snooker I play dominoes with my partner Mick and we win every game and end the night unbeaten. It doesn’t happen very often so I’m happy. After dominoes we have a chat and I go home hoping for a good nights sleep and to wake up headache free.
The Autistic FellRunner 