June 13th, reflecting

It’s 9:41am and time for the first entry of today’s diary. I didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up and going to the loo and just couldn’t rest at all. It’s times like this in the middle of the night when it’s dark and quiet and you’re alone with your thoughts that you go into the deepest recesses of your mind and thoughts you never knew you had come to the fore and get you thinking about your life, what you have done, what you haven’t done, the opportunities you took, the opportunities you missed. Should I have done this, should I have done that? Should I have said this, should I have said that? Would life have turned out any different? Would it be better? Would it be worse?

A million thoughts go through my head, a million questions, a million scenarios, a million outcomes. Has my autism, dyspraxia and anxiety caused me to miss countless opportunities so I find myself sat in a small, rented house on my own? How much does it affect the way people see me and treat me? Does it have a far bigger effect than I’ll ever know because people daren’t say things to me because they’re worried about how it will affect me and my reaction? It’s quite possible because it’s happened in the past when people think they’re doing what’s best for me without asking me. Do people keep secrets from me because they think it’s best for me not to know? Again this has happened in the past. I wonder how people really see me? A has been who could have done so much better or a real human being with feelings and emotions who is constantly trying to find his place in the world and constantly feels that he is missing out on finding it.

I’m tried today, too tired to run. Yesterday took a lot out of me, more than I realised. Running in the rain in damp clothes drenched in sweat and rain is hard work especially when you miscalculate the distance by over 3 miles. It was worth it as it was a route that took in so much of what I love about the Calder Valley, hills, moors, woods, streams, waterfalls and so much more. I got soaked but I soaked up the land around me the history surrounding me and much, much more. So today I’m drained physically but when I’m like this I’m at my most honest and open as thoughts that are kept in the background by other needs come to the fore and are explored. I wonder what today will bring if anything. Will it just be another day in a long line of days where nothing really happens or will it be a day of inspiration where I come alive in a way I never thought I would before.

It’s 11:14am and in a contemplative, reflective mood and the cats are wanting feeding constantly and I mean constantly. What to do today? Watch telly all day, read a book, do some writing? Plenty of options but not much motivation. I’ll do something though. Cutting back on the alcohol is paying dividends. I feel a lot better and can gauge my moods and thoughts better without the fog of a hangover clouding my judgement. I’m still tired and the headache is slowly returning but I’ll do something today even if all I do is read a page from a book.

It’s 7:11pm. I started looking at my life story for the first time in ages and made some changes to it. Writing my diary has made me realise I can write and I can be creative. I did some work on it and decided to have a break and have a chilli and rice. I’d nearly finished it when I could feel it getting stuck in my gullet and I felt sick and unable to eat or drink anything. I spend the next hour stood over the toilet trying to bring up the food that was stuck in my gullet. My stomach muscles were aching from the effort far more than they do when I run or workout. After an hour a so I began to feel better but I was shattered from it all. I didn’t have the energy to stand up so I went to bed for an hour or more.

When I woke up I went to the Co-op to get my lottery and came home to relax. It ends up that although I wanted to do something today I couldn’t and I’ve ended up doing nothing. I could go into more detail but I haven’t got the energy.

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