Friday, 30 June 2023
I’ve woken with, what I believe to be another rheumatoid arthritis flare up. I’m so tired and aching all over. Everything is a real struggle today and it will be all day. I’m getting by, doing what I can, sorting out what I can, but my plan of going to uni and to the gym, has had to be shelved and it’s a day of resting and being kind to myself instead.
As the day progresses my symptoms are up and down, mainly down. I’m finding it difficult to focus and concentrate on anything, my glutes are killing me and I’m getting more and more tired as the day wears on. I’m spending my time playing games on my laptop which isn’t helping things and of course, if I can play games on my laptop why can’t I do some studying? It’s a valid question but one my fogged-up brain can’t cope with at the moment.
The day goes on and I’m feeling no better, in fact I’m feeling very anxious, as if I’m waiting for something to happen, what I don’t know. It’s early evening now and I feel as if I’m going to explode with anxiety, so I reach for a can of cider and a calmness comes over me. I feel better already. Two days off the alcohol have been good for me, but if I’m going to do this long term I have to learn and understand that there will be times when I drink alcohol and these are not times of weakness, but times of being kind to myself, and this is one of them.
I pop down to Tesco’s for some more cider, nothing fancy, 4 cans of cheap pear cider that will do the job of satisfying my need for alcohol. I have a chat with a mate down at Tesco’s. we lament the state society appears to be in right now, on a course of self-destruction, heading for oblivion it seems. He tells me about his 10-year-old son who was chased by 3 teenage lads for tackling one of them. When they couldn’t get him they threw stones at the windows of his house. It’s a sad, broken society when it comes to this and it seems to me that society is splitting into two parts, the haves and the have nots, and that the have nots, and if you live with the have nots you can expect the very worse of human behaviour.
Home and a few more cans of cider before heading to bed, drunk, tired, aching and not quite feeling like a member of the human race for so many reasons.
The Autistic FellRunner 