Sunday, 25 June 2023
I had another poor night’s sleep. It took me ages to fall asleep. I was so hot. I watched BBT on and off, searched the internet for articles about mental health and housing options for older, vulnerable people like myself. I found some good sites, which I must follow up today and see what options are available for me. I fell asleep eventually though and woke to bright sunshine blazing through my curtains.
One thing that’s been plaguing my mind has been the attitude of my friend towards my PhD and my mental health problems. He’s stated before that he doesn’t believe I have autism and dyspraxia and thinks I’m faking both conditions and convincing the mental health professionals who have assessed me numerous times, that I have autism and conditions. If I was acting like he thinks I am, I’d be in Hollywood and a major film and TV star, not sat in a rented house, on a main road, in a small town that is one of the most deprived in Bradford. His attitude towards me is abhorrent in my opinion. He has made his judgement about me based on very limited knowledge of me and of mental health conditions and hidden disabilities, and how they affect people. He’s already decided that I’m avoiding work, when I’m not, I’m trying to find a job I can do for life where I’m not under constant stress and pressure, causing me to be anxious all day, every day, and doing a PhD is my way of getting myself into a job that suits me, my talents, my personality, and allows me to do my best in an environment that doesn’t cause me constant stress and pressure every single day.
It still amazes me how some people can think like this in the 21st century, people who are intelligent, but lack any humanity or understanding, towards people with hidden disabilities, and how they affect people, and how people have to mask their real self just to get through the day. His attitude is that I’m faking it, and I’m doing a PhD to avoid work, both of which are untrue, and show a lack of understanding of people with hidden disabilities, an arrogance towards people with hidden disabilities that borders on the sociopathic, and an attitude that only values people who work in traditional roles, and not those who work in something different.
This does affect my mental health and how I perceive people and how they perceive me. I’m not going to change though. I’m going to carry on doing what I want to do, doing what I feel is best for me, and protecting my own mental health. I’m not about to change just to please others and put myself in a position where my mental health goes downhill, and I struggle to survive through the day. I’ve done that before and it never ends well.
It’s just after 3pm on a cloudy, warm, Sunday afternoon. I’ve been for a walk, 7 miles, that did me the world of good. I saw the friend from Friday that had a go at me and I moaned about the arthritis in my right hip and other stuff on purpose to wind him up. I felt better after that! I walked down into the valley below me and back up, taking a longer route home, as I want and need to get fitter and lose weight and increasing my miles is one way of doing it. My hip didn’t free up until I had done 4 ½ miles and then the difference was notable as my pace increased significantly and my hip felt so much more mobile. I was pleased with my walk today. It would have been easy to do a shorter walk and come home with my hip still feeling stiff, but I didn’t. I persevered, pushed through the stiffness, and got to a point where I could move so much better and feel soi much better physically and mentally.
I’ve had something to eat, done some washing up and I’m currently fighting fatigue. I don’t want to nap because it’s playing havoc with my sleeping at night, but I might have to yet.
I’m got some work done. Not much, but a start, and tomorrow in back in uni for the first time in months, and I’m looking forward to it. I need to form some sort of plan, to give me some structure and move on from there. In my mind it’s start doing my literature review, which underpins everything I do, and see what it shows. I had a nap too, an hour on the sofa, but a lot later than I thought it would be, and a lot shorter too. Here hoping for a good night’s sleep.
Time for Elton John at Glastonbury.
The Autistic FellRunner 